Archive for the 'Scotland' Category

Tartan Day

Today is the anniversary of an important event in Scotland’s history. It’s 690 years since the Declaration of Arbroath was submitted to Pope John the XXII as a universal declaration of Scotland’s national sovereignty and independence from the feudal overlordship of the King of England. The stirring nationalist rhetoric and the sentiment it invokes have even been claimed as an inspiration for the American Declaration of Independence.

You’ve also no doubt noticed, if you’re in Scotland at least, that this solemn occasion has passed without a single solitary event to mark it. Meanwhile however in Canada and the United States hundreds of thousands of members of the Scottish Diaspora are holding parades, parties and official functions to celebrate their Scottish ancestry and cultural heritage. Visit Scotland, the tourist organ of the Scottish Government, has shamelessly tried to hijack these distinctly American events by using them for free advertising, but it leaves a bad taste in the mouth. The image many Americans, and even Canadians, have of Scotland are often far removed from reality.

Not that they have much choice in the matter. Those without direct Scottish relatives can only go by the way Scotland is often portrayed in the media. The image of a kilted, red haired and often drunken Scotsman is a universal stereotype known, and dare I say loved, across the world but it’s not really Scotland is it? It’s not the Scotland that I see in the street when I’m going about, it’s not the Scotland I read about in the news and it’s not the Scotland that I’ve read about in history. These people have so much enthusiasm, and so much pride in their Scottish ancestry.

It makes me embarrassed to be a Scot when I see them on the news holding parades with pipe bands in honour of their heritage. I start to wonder, as I watch, why is it that they can look on a culture such as ours, which many of them are ten or twenty generations removed from, with more pride than your average Scot? Where are the parades down Princes Street,the banners in George Square or the twenty-one gun salute from Edinburgh Castle’s battlements?

There’s nothing, not a single event to mark the Declaration’s place in our history.  I find myself confounded by the people of  Scotland. People who would rather turn out every year to parade in the memory of a Dutchman who, leading an army made up predominantly of Irish Protestants, Dutchmen, Huguenots and Englishmen, managed to kick a catholic Frenchman with his army of Irish Catholics and Frenchmen out of Ireland.

So fuck tartan day, and fuck your shortbread eating, whisky drinking, haggis herding, kilt wearing, tight-fisted, red haired, drunken, foul mouthed, aggressive, see-you-jimmy-hat wearing, sheep shagging and all those other stereotypical good for nothing ideas you’ve all got stuck in your head. I say unto thee. Get on a plane, come over here and show the miserable residents of this miserable little country, and especially the talking shop in Edinburgh, what it means to be proud of your history, your folk and your country.

Tom Weir

Lately I’ve had an idea about a TV show, but this time it’s not one of my usual ideas where I bang on about screen writing, character and plot development. It’s actually an idea that I had a while ago when I was working late night in a call centre, but it’s been rattling around on my mental backburner since then.

The root of the idea came while I was watching reruns o f Weir’s Way late at night on STV. It really captures the landscape of Scotland and the Scottish people in the early seventies when it was filmed. It also is highly educational, and it’s readily apparent the affection, and knowledge that Tom has for his subjects. I think I learned as much about the history of Scotland from watching Weir’s Way as I did doing my degree.

I think it would be a good idea to follow in Tom’s footsteps, and see the places that he saw and tell stories like he told. A simple and straightforward show where one man and a bobble hat tell the story of Scotland and its people.

I know that Neil Oliver has already done a very successful series that covers similar ground, but for all of his enthusiasm I think he lacks some of the pathos that Tom injected into every show. Not that I could do any better, I’d probably do worse in fact, but it’s an idea.

More than anything else though I think that we need more television series devoted to the history and people of Scotland. Maybe, just maybe, recent generations might rediscover some pride in their nation that goes beyond the twee Braveheart bullshit that we trot out for the American tourists.

The Scottish Personality

I’ve often wondered if a nation, or at least a culture, could be said to have a personality.  Is it possible, for example, to describe the entire Scottish Nation as though it were a single, homogeneous, person with distinctive character traits.

We’re all familiar with the idea of stereotypes of course, and with the stereotypical Scot: He of lank ginger hair and sickly pale skin. Constantly drunk, abusive, aggressive and tight-fisted but at the same time generous and warm hearted. Normally dressed in a Tam O Shanter bunnet, kilt and munching on a raw haggis.It’s an image that’s travelled the world, and it’s quite often there to meet we Scots however far we roam. God help us if we make first contact with intelligent alien life. They’ll probably claim to be descended from someone on sky and then try to copy the accent.

How much of this is true though, and how much of it is invention. I can count on one hand the number of ginger people I’ve met, and I’ve lived in Scotland all my life. Drunken, aggressive Jakes are a fact of life in every urban area whither you’re in Kelvinside or Kathmandu.

Stereotypes aren’t personality though.

If I were to try to describe the personality of Scotland I would say we’re stoic, serious and dour like a church of Scotland minister on a wintry Sunday morning. We’ll bear indignities that other nations would tear themselves apart over. We’re proud of ourselves, proud of our people and proud of the people that left Scotland and change the world no matter how small a part of the world they changed. We’re patient, slow burning and wise in our judgements, but we can be hot headed and quick to anger when the touch paper is lit. We know in our hearts that no man is our better, and that all are deserving of respect. At times we see the world with a fatalism that is at odds with our inventiveness, inquisitiveness and the optimism that hides in our heart.

A Palatial Exploration

El Kat and I decided to escape the dust, grime and endless streams of Loyal Orange Lodge flute bands for the tranquil surroundings of the royal burgh of Linlithgow. Now those of you who know a bit about West Lothian probably think that’s a counter productive step as they seem to be just about as crazy on the whole Catholic/Protestant marching as any bit of Glasgow. It’s a matter of scale though. Linlithgow only has a couple of orange lodges and one march. Glasgow has 138 lodges and about 8,000 marchers who invade the centre of town every weekend leading up to the 12th of July.

I digress however, so I shall return to talking about Linlithgow.

Most of you probably recognise it as a town that lies on the Glasgow to Edinburgh line but it has a far richer and more important history than you might realise, and central to the history of the burgh is Linlithgow Palace. The Palace is a hugely impressive royal residence built over the course of two centuries by the Kings James I, James III, James IV and James V of the Stewart Dynasty. It’s perhaps most famously associated with Mary Queen of Scots who was born there in 1542

The palace as it stands today was built on the site of an older timber fortress destroyed, along with much of the town, by a fire in 1452 on the orders of James I. It was continued expanded and improved by his grandson James III and his heirs into a vast four sided palace designed to show the wealth and power of the Stewart Kings.

The palace remained in use for several centuries, but was eventually heavily damaged in September 1745 by fire a fire started by government troops bivouacked there during the Jacobite rebellion.

The Palace is now owned and cared for by Historic Scotland who provide guided tours and maintain the fabric of the structure. That said the stone work is in fabulously good condition for having been almost burned to the ground at least twice. They really don’t build them like this anymore.

Anyhow here are a few pictures:

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The Great Hall

The Great Hall

It might not look like it, but the gaps under the hood of the fireplace in the hall are tall enough that even my six foot odd frame can stand underneath without stooping. That’s one huge fire!

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The Courtyard Fountain

The Courtyard Fountain

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Maybe this time I’ll get a flicker account and put the rest up on there… In the meantime I highly recommend that you all pay a visit to this impressive piece of Scottish History.

Calendar Connundrums Ya Bass!

On my desk at THE WORK I’ve got one of those tear off calendars that’s much beloved by Hollywood movies who want to show the passage of time. It’s one of those low cost things that contracts give out at New Year to remind you to think about them when organising work. The thing itself is a self standing triangular thing made of cardboard coated with PVC and emblazoned with the contractor’s logo and contact details. It’s fairly generic as corporate souvenirs go, but it saves me buying my own calendar. Each day is printed on a separate sheet of paper and you tear off the days as they go by. The only thing that piques my interest for this particular bit of otherwise generic tat is the fact that every day has an “on this day in history” factual snippet, and a Chinese fortune cookie-esque platitude. I’d post a picture up, but I don’t have one to hand at the moment and I don’t want to give them any free advertising.

You’re probably wondering why I’m telling you all of this. Well this morning, like any other morning, I arrived at work and booted up my soviet era laptop, and while I waited for it to wake up I reached over and tore off yesterday’s sheet to see what words of wisdom the calendar might regale me with this time. I was shocked and amazed to find out that:

1497 – Englishman John Cabot discovers and claims Newfoundland for King Henry VII.

Now before I explain my shock and amazement I’d like to point out a few important factual inaccuracies in the calendar’s factoid.  Firstly John Cabot was an Italian, not an Englishman. He was like so many Italian merchants and explorers of the late middle ages, sought foreign sponsorship for voyages of discovery. In this case his trip was sponsored by Henry VII of England to discover and chart a northern passage to the East Indies. He failed spectacularly of course, but he did manage to stumble across Newfoundland and possibly Canada which were subsequently claimed and colonised by England so it didn’t turn out as bad as it could have for poor old Cabot.

Secondly, and more importantly, we don’t know where the hell he actually discovered, and it’s unlikely that Cabot did either. In fact he was such an outstanding navigator and admiral that after his discovery he returned to England, fitted out another expedition with five ships and sailed off never to be seen again.

So anyway, I was shocked and amazed, and you’re probably wondering why. Well it’s a well known fact that I like my dad, granddad etc, am a Nationalist. You may have picked up the odd hint here and there across my posts. It’s through my deep interest in Scotland, and most importantly its history, that I’m well aware of the historical importance of the 24th of June in our nation’s history.

To those of you reaching for the history books or typing 24th of June into Wikipedia right now I’ll save you the bother and tell you that on the 24th of June 1314 a small Scottish army under Robert the Bruce defeated a large and far better equipped English army at the Battle of Bannockburn. An event that would secure Scottish independence for nearly three centuries and that would echo down through history even to this day in the words of Bruce’s Scots Wha Hae and the Corrie’s Flower of Scotland.

Now admittedly a lot of stuff has happened on the 24th of June throughout history, including the start of the Battle of the Somme. The arrival of a Italian explorer in Newfoundland hardly seems particularly important in comparison. Especially since the Native Americans and even the Norse had beaten him there by nearly a millennia.

I don’t know how much the contractor will sympathise with me though. All they really want to do is lay asphalt on the roads…

Big Blasted Cack

It’s often said in Scotland that the British Broadcasting Corporation should be renamed the English Broadcasting Corporation. Their radio and television channels display a remarkable level of Anglo-centric behaviour and a great many of their Scottish programs are just the English ones with a bit of tartan and shortbread sitting beside the presenter.

If their general programming is bad for this national bias then their international sports coverage is many times worse. of Scottish, or indeed Welsh and Northern Irish is infamous for English bias. It’s fair to say that as long as a sportsman is winning they will be British, but as soon as they start to loose they are instantly returned to their respective nationality.  The Scottish tennis player Andy Murray is an excellent example of this phenomenon: when he’s winning he’s a true Brit and a great British sportsman. The instant he loses he’s back to being just a Scottish tennis player or that plucky young boy from Scotland.

Today I found yet another cracking example of the English Broadcasting Corporation at it’s finest. It was while checking the RSS Feed for the BBC news I spotted the following headline:

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The RSS hyperlink is entitled “Evidence of McFlinstones Found” but the actual page is headlined with the far more descriptive “Signs of earliest Scots unearthed.” I may be over-reacting but I can’t see this as anything more than yet another quick pun at the expense of Scotland by a London based media. I’m surprised they didn’t just entitle the entire article “Jocks find some rocks and don’t try to eat them!” or “kilt wearing haggish munchers find rocks.”

It’s time we cut these arseholes off entirely and got our own Scottish news media on the go.

(And don’t talk to me about STV. They’re just the poor man’s BBC nowadays.)

Miss Scotland (Entirely)

I don’t know if anyone’s been paying attention to The Sun newspaper lately, but they’re running a big thing about the search for Miss Scotland 2009 and I’m bemused by the variable standard of entrants. I’ve decided to compile a quick list of the ones that have amused me the most since I started checking it out. As a bonus I’ve taken the unusual step of grading them from the one with the least fake tan to the one with the most:

The Undead Maid of the North will swallow your soul!

The Undead Maid of the North will swallow your soul!

With my secret weapons I cannot fail to win!

With my secret weapons I cannot fail to win!

Real Dolls - Now available in Scotland

Real Dolls - Now available in Scotland

Giuz A Kiss Sexeh

This IS my best side!

Akunamatata Simba!

Also available in white

Also available in white

Ronseal wood stain does exactly what it says on the tin

Sarah Connor?

The 600 series had rubber skin. We spotted them easy, but these are new. They look human - sweat, bad breath, everything.

Scottish national flashing champion

Scottish national flashing champion

Lose the dress son, this is a mans army

Lose the dress son, there's no room for your kind in this man's army

Why so serious?

Why so serious?

Awright Troops me an tinkerbell are fur the dancin

Awright Troops me an tinkerbell here are gaun up the dancin

Courtney Love has come down in the world

Courtney Love has come down in the world (if that's possible)

The only way I'd do that is if you drugged me first...

LOL the only way I'd enter that stupid contest is if you drugged me first...

Did you feel rain?

Did you feel rain?

The voices keep me awake, they want me to model...

Daddy said I could stay up and wait for him. I haven't slept since 1998

WHIIIIIITT?

WHIIIIIITT?

Taking A Wander

Today El Kat and I took a sojourn up to the Hunterian Museum up at the University of Glasgow. I hadn’t been near the place since I was a student and it was a wholly new experience for El Kat but she enjoyed it a lot.

The museum has been heavily refurbished from the last time I was in it with a lot of interesting new exhibits. It feels a lot more bright and airy than before with a relaxed and modern layout that really shows off the collection. There are also a lot of interactive experiments in the section that deals with the life and achievements of Lord Kelvin. I’m not sure how amused the great physicist and polymath would be to see that his beloved university has turned him into an interactive spinning top though:

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If you ask me it looks more like some nightmarish cyborg version of Grigori Rasputin lying in wait for Dr Who to visit the museum.

The section of medicine remains as disturbing as it ever was despite the improved surroundings and redesigned display cases. Strangely though the freakiest thing I could find wasn’t amongst the partially dissected human remains, or the horrendously evil looking so called medical implements, no it was this doll designed to teach medical students about babies in the womb.

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It makes you wonder if the person that designed it had actually seen a human baby before.

250 Years Lang Syne

I suppose as an Ayrshireman it would be remiss of me not to mention Rabbie Burns today of all days. Just on the off chance you’ve missed all the Scottish Government tartan flag waving that’s going on: today is 250th anniversary of his birth. Everywhere across the world folk that don’t know a damn thing about Robert Burns will be getting loaded up on Whisky and Haggis in some dingy hall and giving it laldy at a few of his more socially acceptable works. (Don’t mention the drinking, womanising or the masons.)

Now don’t get me wrong here. I’m not claiming that a celebration of the life of Rabbie Burns should be kept for folk from Ayrshire alone. In fact it’s fair to say that the closest that he ever came to the Irvine Valley was when he dropped off the manuscript for the Kilmarnock Editions. From there he more or less jetted off into high society in Edinburgh before retiring to Dumfries and Galloway where he died in aged only 37.

Burns really didn’t have much impact on my part of Ayrshire, but his story and a few of his more famous works are taught in primary school there just the same.  Like almost everyone that ever did anything of note he sort of bypassed it on the way to fame and fortune. Even Darvel’s most famous son did a runner as a teenager. As a result I’ve never really felt the weird sense of possession that a lot of people in Ayrshire feel towards him. I enjoy a lot of his work, and a lot of it remains as relevant today as it was during his lifetime, but his prolific works never really get the airings they deserve.

Burns was a prolific writer throughout his life with hundreds of poems, sonnets and songs to his name. Yet how many do people actually know? It’s very painfully obvious at times that nobody takes the time to appreciate his works. The worst example of this is probably Auld Lang Syne which half the world belts out at midnight on Hogmanay but I guarantee only the tiniest fraction of people even come close to knowing all the words. Tam O’Shanter and Holy Wullie’s Prayer often get an airing, and more rarely nowadays it’s possible to hear Scot’s Wae Hae.

So on this auspicious occassion I ask that you do the ghost of auld Rabbie a favour, and take a look at all his works. You might learn a thing or two from Ayrshire’s most famous son.

Happy birthday Rabbie Burns,
You son of Ayrshire by the turns,
Who wrote in verse in ages past,
Your words and lines are bound to last,
Down dusty corridors of time,
Till all our lives are gaun lang syne.

Travelling Man

I took an odd notion today and I’m not sure what prompted it, but I fancy a sojourn down to the lands of Dumfries and Galloway. I think it’s the result of a healthy dose of nostalgia coupled with seven hours spent pouring over job sheets for a contractor that’s based down in Dumfries.

Given that this is being touted as the Scottish Homecoming Year and that it’s 250 years since the birth of Rabbie Burns the South Ayrshire Messiah. I think 2009 would be a perfect candidate for a grand tour of the South West of Scotland.

I’ve been putting together a list of things in the South West I think everyone should go and visit for a day. Some of these are fairly personal choices based on childhood nostalgia and so on, but others are genuinely interesting I promise.

I’ll start from the infamous Glasgow and head south:

Dean Castle and Country Park, Kilmarnock: They have a castle, they have woods, deer and sometimes they even have historical re-enactment days. It’s also free to go. I haven’t been since I was at primary school and I vaguely remember being convinced that someone was watching me from the rafters in the great hall…

Loudoun Hill, by Darvel: an ancient volcanic plug just over 316m high. I grew up in its reassuringly dumpy shadow, but I’m sad to say I’ve never climbed it. This year is hereby nominated the year. You’re all welcome to join me.

Mauchline: this is more of a personal indulgence than the others. My grandparents all lived in Mauchline, my parents grew up there, met there, got married there etc. The town itself has a lot of memories for me. None more so that fishing with my Papa during the summer holidays at his well hidden fishing hole under the towering Howfort Brig. The impressive Ballochmyle Viaduct, the world’s larges single span masonry arch runs across the river Doon near the village.  There’s also a castle hidden somewhere in the middle of town, and that tinker Rabbie Burns might have wynched a few local lassies about there too… I might also recommend a drop into Poosie Nansies which hasn’t seemingly changed a bit since Burns himself frequented it. In other news the café in Kilmarnock Road used to have a classic coffee table space invaders game the likes of which haven’t been seen since the 1970′s.

The Wellington Café, Ayr: At the junction of Alloway Place, Fort Street and the Sandgate just across from Ayr bus station. I don’t know what it’s like nowadays, but going to the Wellington used to be a hallmark of a family trip to Ayr. The plates of chips were outstanding back in the day.

Culzean Castle: I’ve been at this stonking great beast of a country mansion a couple of times, but truth be told I’ve never actually been inside the damn thing. Maybe 2009 should be the year I have a look at the extensive collections of shiny weapons and the famous. Nearby is also the interestingly named Gas House which has an exhibition about William Murdoch.

The Electric Brae: a stretch of road between Dunure and Maybole that is where the laws of gravity bend and break while subjected to the warping evil emanating from that strange land. OK so really it’s a world famous optical illusion caused by the lie of the land surrounding the road, but I like to think that McDowall was somehow responsible for this perversion of the natural order of things. Folk from Maybole can skip this bit as they’re all sick of hearing about the damn thing apparently.

Closeburn: lying between the town of Thornhill and Dumfries this small and sleepy hamlet doesn’t have much to see, but apparently my grandparents and great grandparents originated from around this area. I seem to remember that one of the great grandad’s worked on the railway here.

Castle Douglas, and more specifically Lochside Caravan & Camping Site on the banks of Carlinwark Loch. My folks and I used to go on holiday there at the summer and in our old Thompson caravan. My Gran and Papa were fond of the place as well and would usually keep their caravan there for most of the season. I’ve got a lot of fond memories of the time we spent there and the people I met. There’s also a very good chip shop at the western end of the town, and I remember their being a caravan and camping shop with some fairly unique smells. It’s a bustling, active town as well with a lot of local shops. Barry Smart’s bookshop was always a favourite with my sister and I as it had a huge toy section in the back, and it was also stocked with more magazines than I’d ever seen before. I seem to remember it was the only place you could just buy New Atari User off the shelf.

Dumfries: the county town of Dumfriesshire is a bustling place, and my sister and I always made a beeline for the giant toy ship in Friars Vennel. The toy store is sadly long since gone, but there’s a lot to Dumfries that I’ve never seen. Most prominent of these would be the famous camera obscura that overlooks the town from the top of a nearby ridge above the River Nith. There’s also an air museum and a whole boatload of stuff about Rabbie Burns to see, and to continue my earlier theme, there used to be a very good chip shop in Friars Vennel just along from what used to be What Everyone Wants. I’ve not been in Dumfries for many years now, in fact I don’t think I’ve been there since I started at Uni in the late nineties so I assume a lot has changed about the town since then.

I’m sure I’ll think of many more things I’d like to see in the South West, but I think I’ve ramble enough for one post. Feel free to add suggestions or your own nostalgic patter in the comments.