Archive for the 'Whiiiit!?' Category

Whoa White Baby! (Bam-Ba-Lam)

Published on July 21, 2010 in Whiiiit!?. 3 Comments Tags: , .

I was inspired to knock together a parody song in honour of Nmachi Ihegboro the blonde haired, blue eyed and white skinned newborn daughter of two black Nigerians that’s currently baffling medical experts, and no doubt outraging readers of the Daily Mail.

Whoa, black couple (bam-A-lam)
Whoa, black couple (bam-A-lam)
Black couple had a child (bam-A-lam)
The damn thing’s WHITE (bam-A-lam)
Black Husband said “I’m worrin’ outta my mind” (bam-A-lam)
The damn thing looks cracker(bam-A-lam)
I said oh black couple (bam-A-lam)
whoa, black couple (bam-BA-lam)

whoa, black couple (bam-BA-lam)
whoa, black couple (bam-BA-lam)
She really gets me high (bam-BA-lam)
You know that’s no lie (bam-BA-lam)
They’re so rock steady (bam-BA-lam)
They’re always ready (bam-BA-lam)
whoa, black couple (bam-BA-lam)
whoa, black couple (bam-BA-lam)

Whoa, black couple (bam-BA-lam)
Whoa, black couple (bam-BA-lam)
They from Sidcup (bam-BA-lam)
Way down in Eng-ah-land (bam-BA-lam)
Well’ she’s showing that kid (bam-BA-lam)
On every channel (bam-BA-lam)
Whoa, black couple (bam-BA-lam)
Whoa, black couple
BAM-BA-LAM

Boundahs!

Published on May 2, 2010 in Whiiiit!? and Youtube. 0 Comments Tags: , , .

Although this video amuses me because the company is called Bounder Diesel it also saddens me because this wheeled monster is better looking than my actual flat.

Crush All Hipsters!

Published on April 2, 2010 in Whiiiit!?. 0 Comments Tags: , , , , , , .

I took the bike into work today as I knew the roads would be quiet as it’s Good Friday and because it means I can get in before the bosses turn up, and away before they annoy me too much.  The ride in is functional, but not particularly enjoyable as there’s not much to look at on the way. On the way back through I took a detour out through the botanic gardens, Kirklee and even as far as Anniesland Cross just for the sheer enjoyment of riding around in the spring sunshine.

And then I noticed the hipsters.

The Botanic Gardens were riddled with them. HUNDREDS of them, all dressed up in their strangely similar, but allegedly “individual” manner and almost all of them were wearing glasses with plain glass in them. It was a moment of realisation akin to that point in Invasion of the Body Snatchers when Donald Sutherland realises everyone around him has been replaced by alien pod people.

At that moment I had a quick JD from Scrubs style daydream where my bike became a monster truck, and the gentle clicking of my free-wheel became the pleasing sound of their trendy bones, macbooks and iphones being ground under my massive monster tyres.

Boredom Is A Terrible Thing

Published on December 30, 2009 in Whiiiit!?. 0 Comments Tags: , .

Wance upon a evening dreary,
I heard a noise, a clamour eerie,
Aneath ma windaes oan the road,
The jabberin o some human toads,
That set ma mighty ears a flappin’,
Those adolescent lips a slappin’

Tae the curtains wie a start,
And pulled them back wie dreading heart
Ma heid ah a poked oot tae see,
Aside the barren willow trees,
A frichtful gang o neds aw mucky,
Rollin’ roon and roon wie buckie,

Ah shouted oot tae them at wance,
They best begone fae ma bus stance,
Get it up ye they rejoined,
Giggling wie the phrase they coined,
Ma face turned rid and ma teeth bared,
And Wie aw ma latent rage ah stared,
At thur plooky neds and hackitt sengas,
Lying aboot like human jenga.

Who dae ye bams think ye ur,
Tae act like such a bunch a curs?
Govan Young Team big man,
Giuzz peace tae drink oor can,
Nay! Ya bams I cried wie rage,
Begone or ah’ll lock ye in a cage,
Wie tigers, bears and deadly snakes,
Tae turn ye intae human steaks.

Now aff they went wie fearful clatter,
Wie terror that their blood tae splatter,
Doon the Govan Road et rocket speeds,
Terrors black in their wee heids,
Whit demon threatened their very souls,
Wie burying in forgotten holes,
Awa’ they cry, and don’t be slack
Less thur big man’s et our back.

Tae ma TV ah returned,
Shamed that nae ned had burned,
And switched it oan, masel tae see,
Oan the frichtfull BeeBeeCee.
Ma rage ye see had been captured,
By the Security Camera enraptured,
And intae Beadle wan two thee,
Tae show oan the accursed TeeVee.

Another Crack in the Wall

Published on December 18, 2009 in Whiiiit!?. 0 Comments Tags: , , , .

I’ve been saying for a long time now that history is losing its importance in the modern world. People have no need to learn about, or respect the actions of people that don’t appear on reality TV shows.

A case in point is the announcement today by the Polish authorities that someone has deliberately stolen the infamous sign Arbeit Macht Frei that has hung over the main gate of Auschwitz Death Camp since it was built by the Nazis.

In my opinion this is nothing but a blatant disregard for what is a powerful memorial to remind the world of the systematic, industrial scale evil of the Nazi regime. I can’t conceive of any good reason why anyone would want to take the sign, but I suppose holocaust deniers are too obvious a target.

This may be a high profile incident, but it seems to be part of a worrying trend. It’s only a few weeks since a student narrowly avoided a jail sentence for urinating on a war memorial. It seems like the memory of the estimated sixty million people who died in World War II is already fading away. Young people, especially those under twenty at the moment, seem to have little understanding of historically important events. Now I know, and freely admit that I have a degree in history and am therefore probably quite biased about the whole thing, but even those without my historical leanings have to admit that there’s an ongoing dumbing down of society.

I think it has a lot to do with the mentality of current generations, and by that I mean anyone not of my generation. Many of them, from the earliest age, seem unable to look beyond themselves, and most seem highly ignorant of anything that doesn’t include an opportunity for text voting.

I know of course that many of today’s kids are good people. They know a bit about history, and they’re as outraged as I am by the fading values of western society, but they’re quietly hiding out there waiting for things to get better, and all the time the lunatics are gradually taking over the asylum.

Get it sorted kids, and stop waiting for us adults to sort them out.

Christmastide Computing Concerns

Published on December 6, 2009 in Breakdowns, Computers, Finances, Technology, Technowhiiit and Whiiiit!?. 0 Comments Tags: , , .

I’ve got a horrible feeling that my computer is going to keel over very soon. At this very minute I can hear some kind of ungodly racket coming from one of the internal fans even as I type. I can’t make up my mind if it’s the graphics card, or something else. The graphics card going wonky would probably be one of my biggest fears as it’s only a year old and cost about two hundred quid. It’s also the most likely candidate as it’s currently very poorly sited inside the case as you can see from these pictures.

Puter01

Puter02

The airflow over it is very restricted by the fact that I was forced to position the hard disks right at the front of it. A problem caused by both the design of the case and the size of the GTX 260 itself. I’m not an expert on the airflow thing, but I think air is being drawn in from the front of the case, over the close packed hard disks and from there into the intake fan of the graphics card. So basically this monster card is breathing in air that’s already fairly hot.  Couple that with the dusty, half heartedly cleaned floor I’ve got around it I’m almost certain that the GTX’s fans are the ones crashing away.

Thing is it’s been fine through the summer so I don’t know why it’s started going nuts now that winter is here and the flat is colder than a penguin’s fridge on a cold Arctic night.

Hopefully this isn’t the start of some horrible new sequence of breakdowns as having the bike out of action is bad enough, but if the computer goes I’ll be left having to watch television for my amusement, and that’s a fate worse than death!

F**k You Baldrick

Published on November 17, 2009 in Celebrity, History, People Be Fools, Ranting, Teh Madness, WTF!? and Whiiiit!?. 0 Comments Tags: , , , , , , .

Once again I find myself sitting here with an incredulous look on my face and shaking my head in disdainful wonder at the so called “Great British Public”.

The BBC news has an article today that details a list of fifty unsung British heroes that the National Lottery has assembled as part of its 15th anniversary celebrations. You can see the full list here, but I’ll try to limit myself to a short rant on the contents of the top ten:

1: Michael Faraday, physicist

2: JM Barrie, author

3: Edward Jenner, smallpox vaccine pioneer

4: John Peel, broadcaster

5: Alan Turing, mathematician

6: Baldrick, Blackadder character

7: Midge Ure, singer

8: Percy Shaw, cat’s eyes inventor

9: Tim Berners-Lee, worldwide web inventor

10: Fred Scott, BBC cameraman

Admittedly some of the people in the top ten are underappreciated for their contributions to science, arts and society in general. Others though I would say are very well known, and some, well some shouldn’t even be on a list of people who are supposedly “heroes”.

Apologies to people of a nervous disposition, but I have to get something out of my system before I continue.

BALDRICK is a fictional character you FUCKING CRETINS!

Sorry about that.

The rest of the list is a strange mixture. As I’ve said I agree that many of the people mentioned on the list are deeply underappreciated by the public. The news was recently filled with the demand that the British Government apologise for basically hounding Alan Turing to suicide after the Second World War. His contribution to the fledgling art of computing and cryptanalysis during the war cannot be overstated and I believe he rightly belongs near the top of the list.

Midge Ure however is a world famous musician and responsible for a good chunk of the organisation of Band Aid, and the Band Aid Trust charity. I don’t see why was he chosen over the heads of other worthies such as Sting, Fish or even, dare I say it, Bob Geldof who was the more visible partner in Band Aid. I suppose at least Midge managed to do more than spend his life riding along on a one hit wonder band and thumping tables at charity gigs.

Another odd entry is Fred Scott the BBC cameraman at number ten. He’s the award winning cameraman who was filming when John Simpson and his Iraqi translator Kamaran Abdurrazaq Muhamed were caught in a friendly fire incident during the Iraq war. Kamaran was unfortunately killed when a US warplane bombed the convoy of Kurdish vehicles they were travelling in. Simpson was left deaf in one ear as a result. It was an important moment in the media coverage of warfare. I wouldn’t go as far as to rank Fred as high as 10 on this list, but I wouldn’t do him the dishonour of ranking him lower than FUCKING BALDRICK.

The more I read this list the more I begin to wonder if the people who voted for it were even aware of whom many of these people were. To me it reads like a list of people that young, trendy eighteen to twenty-four year olds have vaguely heard about from various sources and they picked them out of the hat. The inclusion of people like Stephen Merchant who co-wrote The Office seems like it was thrown in by some insane fan and the inclusion of the FICTIONAL CHARACTER of Jeeves the butler from the Jeeves and Wooster short stories strains credibility. Why not replace Jeeves with P.G Wodehouse himself? He’s not exactly well known now as he was when he started publishing stories.

I’m going to lie down in a dark room before I decide to go all Dr. Evil and try to put end to this farce we call society once and for all.

The Communal Wean

Published on July 22, 2009 in Family, People Be Fools and Whiiiit!?. 0 Comments

One of the women in my team at THE WORK is a few months pregnant with the baby due round about the middle of December. She and her partner have been trying for a long time to conceive so it’s good news for them after many years of disappointment and trying.

The odd thing that we’ve all noticed though is that she has more or less become what can only be described as “public property” since the news broke. Women of all creeds, colours ages and sexual persuasion have come crawling out of the woodwork to congratulate her on her. My team leader The Boy Blunder and his manager Captain Calamity have both started to talk about her “condition” with a level of reverence normally reserved for Mary.

All of that is fairly strange, but strangest of all is the touching. It’s almost as though carrying a baby causes the body to emit a powerful psychic instruction to touch the pregnant woman without invitation. It’s almost as though pregnancy makes the woman, and especially her stomach, into an object of wonder and reverence.

I’m well aware that pregnancy itself is a strange and fairly miraculous event. El Kat often tells me how amazing it is that a woman can manufacture a tiny person basically out of the food that she eats during the baby’s gestation, but I don’t think that’s sufficient reason for normal social boundaries to go out the window.

I have an odd theory that this behaviour is maybe a throwback to when humans lived in small tribal groups without the power of language. It seems reasonable to say that touching and grooming would serve the purpose of reinforcing social bonds and reassuring the expectant mother. In large closely related hunter-gatherer communities the birth of a child would be an important event to the whole tribe. It’s likely that nearly everyone in the tribe would display a familial interest in the health of the mother and the unborn wean. The Touching seems to be some kind of subconscious extension of this instinct.

Either way though it’s all very creepy SO STOP IT.

Help Polis Goijira Theft Auto!

Published on June 15, 2009 in Glasgow, People Be Fools, Pictures, WTF!? and Whiiiit!?. 2 Comments

Normally the all pervading litter around Glasgow is fairly humdrum, but sometimes, just sometimes, you find some strange out of place nugget that makes you go WHAT THE F….?

Today while taking a shortcut on the bike I spotted this lying amongst the dying strip of trees that separates the car parks of the Crown Plaza and the SECC.

2009-06-15-007

It’s fairly curious that  an eighty quid security device to prevent car theft should be lying abandoned in at the back of a fairly secluded bit of car park. Stranger still is what I noticed with a closer inspection: the whole thing looks as though it has been chewed in half by Godzilla.

2009-06-15-005

2009-06-15-006

Now I’m not a professional car thief, but it seems unlikely that it was attached to a car when this damage was done to it. The amount of twisting and sheering done to it would probably have destroyed the steering wheel at the same time as the damage was done. I’d also hazard a guess that there was probably a lot of noise and highly visible effort involved in this destruction.  It also seems fairly intelligent to realise that the device is probably weakest at either the hinges that keep the two halves together or the locking mechanism that keeps it secure.

There are no saw marks that I could see, and the damage doesn’t seem consistent with it being attacked with a pickaxe or a hammer, but it does vaguely resemble the aftermath of when a set of hydraulic rescue tools are used. Still that seems a bit overkill when you’ve lost your keys.

All in all a very curious piece of litter, and an interesting conundrum to boot.

Concerned Listener, Home Counties

Published on May 10, 2009 in Media, Music, People Be Fools, WTF!? and Whiiiit!?. 4 Comments

As I’ve mentioned in the past I enjoy the odd ironic or strange collisions of events that often take place in the world. I like to look on them as a kind of reward for putting up with the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. When I spot one it’s a bit like finding the one caramel soft centre in a box of coffee Revels.

Today while on a sojourn to the Govan Asda I was rewarded by the amusing scene of a pair of tweenagers dancing and singing along, word for word, with Lily Allen’s latest single “Not Fair”.

For the benefit of the three people that McDowall has locked in his basement with only the internet for company and who have never heard it here’s the video off youtube.

Now I get that the song is popular, and it’s getting near constant airplay on the radio and TV at the minute, but has anyone actually stopped to think how absurd it is for a pair of primary school weans to be singing lines like:

Oh I lie here in the wet patch,
In the middle of the bed,
I’m feeling pretty damn hard done by,
I spent ages giving head.

Now I understand fully that all the adults in the audience will believe that kids won’t understand the underlying meaning of the words. Well my answer to that is: What underlying meaning? The song is a less than subtle critique of a boyfriend that’s generally great but useless in the sack. It’s not hidden in obscure metaphor, or couched in flowery lyrics. It’s out there bold as brass, and twice as mockey, with no ambiguity what so ever.

When all is said and done I don’t think the song should be censored in any way. It makes a refreshing change for someone to bring out something that isn’t a sighing love-song-by-numbers. Still I can’t help but be amused by what comes out of the mouths of bairns nowadays.