This turned up in my Amazon recommendations list today, and I nearly choked to death on my lunch when burst out laughing at it.
Archive for the 'WTF!?' Category
Every so often I like to take a run up to Bellahouston Park via National Cycle Route 7 which is carefully hidden at the back of the M8 and Bellahouston Academy. It’s a hundred times safer than trying to brave the Paisley Road West at peak time. To use a somewhat convoluted metaphor, it’s like the difference between taking a quiet paddle in a canoe down the lazy River Seine and taking a run down the a piranha infested white water rapid run in a river unknown to science somewhere in the Belize rainforest.
While making the journey past Bellahouston Academy I’ve often had a chuckle to myself at the mural that adorns the outside of the building. I assume it’s supposed to show how culturally diverse the place is, but what it really shows is either how bad the artist was, or how much his models have in common with Joseph Merrick. According to an article I found in the The Extra from 2008 the mural is the work of some of the school’s pupils. I suppose in it’s own way it brightens up a rather dreary late 1970′s concrete building, but to be brutally honest the artwork isn’t good at all. Seemingly it was a dry run for a further mural on the nearby footbridge over the M8. I had a look, but I don’t see any artwork on the bridge so I assume they never quite got round to it. In the meantime I think some of them might want to rethink taking Standard Grade art.
Behold the evidence:
The black woman seems OK, at least as far as the rest of the examples go, but the guy with the blonde hair is hilariously badly done. Not only does he have some kind of horrible kink in his neck like it was broken and reset by a blind one handed witchdoctor, but he seems positively amused by the anal probe he’s getting off that badly painted Gerry Anderson-esque UFO in the background. I assume it’s supposed to be one of the big spotlights that float above the M8, but I can’t be entirely sure. Incidentally when I went past this morning the black woman in this picture had some interesting graffiti added to her forehead proclaiming that she was “Robyn’s Real Maw”. Not sure if this is true or not, but I’m sad that I forgot to take the camera with me to capture it.
The Bellahouston painted on the side the fire exit is actually quite colourful, but it reminds me far too much of the helter-skelter from Jamie and the Magic Torch. I’m still not sure if the diver next to the Glasgow 2014 badge is supposed to be baldy and featureless or if they just forgot to paint her face on. I’m assuming it’s a her, cause it’s too thin to have such well developed moobs.
The black guy would probably have been OK, but they’ve managed to incorporate some kind of vent into his head which makes it look like he has some huge cancerous growth beside his ear. NASTY. I assume the pair of random naked legs, and the chakram, are supposed to be related to the cryptic abbreviation of GSOS (Glasgow School of Sport) that’s being batted about by the tennis racquet in the upper left corner.
As an aside I’m somewhat bemused that the pupils of Bellahouston Academy, which is south of the river, have chosen to paint the Squinty Bridge as it would be seen from the northern bank. The fact that they also managed to make it look like a giant pokemon looming over the road is neither here nor there.
Last, but by no means least, we have this gem. I may have a racist eye, but I assume the guy with the rubber giraffe neck and sunglasses is supposed to be Asian. Either that or he’s one of the bad guys out of the dark crystal wearing a Peter Choa mask. The blonde woman seems to be suffering from a similar neck breaking ailment as the other characters, but given that she looks like her face is melting off I think that’s the least of her worries. Strangely she seems to have weird snake like eyes as well.
The Asian woman behind these two freak shows seems to be the most human looking one out of the lot, but even she seems to have been leaned at a jaunty angle for reasons unknown. She also seems to be fairly happy at having been pushed into the background in spite of there being plenty of room to bring her forward to the same level as the others. No idea what the big grey thing is supposed to be. High flats maybe, or some kind of sentient killer vending machine that’s plotting to kill them and make them into Ginsters snacks.
It’s probably a good job these things are hidden from the view of the general populace, and I often wonder if they’re deliberately painted on the side of the building that can’t be seen from the upmarket villas of Dumbreck and Bellahouston. After all who wants to get up in the morning, open their curtains, and be confronted by a group of badly painted potato heads.
I don’t speak Russian, but I’m fairly sure they’re going to kill us all with their magic cgi space guns.
Once again I find myself sitting here with an incredulous look on my face and shaking my head in disdainful wonder at the so called “Great British Public”.
The BBC news has an article today that details a list of fifty unsung British heroes that the National Lottery has assembled as part of its 15th anniversary celebrations. You can see the full list here, but I’ll try to limit myself to a short rant on the contents of the top ten:
1: Michael Faraday, physicist
2: JM Barrie, author
3: Edward Jenner, smallpox vaccine pioneer
4: John Peel, broadcaster
5: Alan Turing, mathematician
6: Baldrick, Blackadder character
7: Midge Ure, singer
8: Percy Shaw, cat’s eyes inventor
9: Tim Berners-Lee, worldwide web inventor
10: Fred Scott, BBC cameraman
Admittedly some of the people in the top ten are underappreciated for their contributions to science, arts and society in general. Others though I would say are very well known, and some, well some shouldn’t even be on a list of people who are supposedly “heroes”.
Apologies to people of a nervous disposition, but I have to get something out of my system before I continue.
BALDRICK is a fictional character you FUCKING CRETINS!
Sorry about that.
The rest of the list is a strange mixture. As I’ve said I agree that many of the people mentioned on the list are deeply underappreciated by the public. The news was recently filled with the demand that the British Government apologise for basically hounding Alan Turing to suicide after the Second World War. His contribution to the fledgling art of computing and cryptanalysis during the war cannot be overstated and I believe he rightly belongs near the top of the list.
Midge Ure however is a world famous musician and responsible for a good chunk of the organisation of Band Aid, and the Band Aid Trust charity. I don’t see why was he chosen over the heads of other worthies such as Sting, Fish or even, dare I say it, Bob Geldof who was the more visible partner in Band Aid. I suppose at least Midge managed to do more than spend his life riding along on a one hit wonder band and thumping tables at charity gigs.
Another odd entry is Fred Scott the BBC cameraman at number ten. He’s the award winning cameraman who was filming when John Simpson and his Iraqi translator Kamaran Abdurrazaq Muhamed were caught in a friendly fire incident during the Iraq war. Kamaran was unfortunately killed when a US warplane bombed the convoy of Kurdish vehicles they were travelling in. Simpson was left deaf in one ear as a result. It was an important moment in the media coverage of warfare. I wouldn’t go as far as to rank Fred as high as 10 on this list, but I wouldn’t do him the dishonour of ranking him lower than FUCKING BALDRICK.
The more I read this list the more I begin to wonder if the people who voted for it were even aware of whom many of these people were. To me it reads like a list of people that young, trendy eighteen to twenty-four year olds have vaguely heard about from various sources and they picked them out of the hat. The inclusion of people like Stephen Merchant who co-wrote The Office seems like it was thrown in by some insane fan and the inclusion of the FICTIONAL CHARACTER of Jeeves the butler from the Jeeves and Wooster short stories strains credibility. Why not replace Jeeves with P.G Wodehouse himself? He’s not exactly well known now as he was when he started publishing stories.
I’m going to lie down in a dark room before I decide to go all Dr. Evil and try to put end to this farce we call society once and for all.
Normally the all pervading litter around Glasgow is fairly humdrum, but sometimes, just sometimes, you find some strange out of place nugget that makes you go WHAT THE F….?
Today while taking a shortcut on the bike I spotted this lying amongst the dying strip of trees that separates the car parks of the Crown Plaza and the SECC.
It’s fairly curious that an eighty quid security device to prevent car theft should be lying abandoned in at the back of a fairly secluded bit of car park. Stranger still is what I noticed with a closer inspection: the whole thing looks as though it has been chewed in half by Godzilla.
Now I’m not a professional car thief, but it seems unlikely that it was attached to a car when this damage was done to it. The amount of twisting and sheering done to it would probably have destroyed the steering wheel at the same time as the damage was done. I’d also hazard a guess that there was probably a lot of noise and highly visible effort involved in this destruction. It also seems fairly intelligent to realise that the device is probably weakest at either the hinges that keep the two halves together or the locking mechanism that keeps it secure.
There are no saw marks that I could see, and the damage doesn’t seem consistent with it being attacked with a pickaxe or a hammer, but it does vaguely resemble the aftermath of when a set of hydraulic rescue tools are used. Still that seems a bit overkill when you’ve lost your keys.
All in all a very curious piece of litter, and an interesting conundrum to boot.
I noticed today that the featured article on Wikipedia was about a WWI era german battleship SMS Von der Tann, which is fairly interesting in and of itself, but I was bemused to notice that the Wikipedia gremlins had managed to get their grubby little paws on the article.
The result was a fairly slapdash attempt at humourous vandalism that seems to have been inspired by lolcats, or possibly even carried out by them:
That’s right. Kitten battleships. Don’t tell El Kat…
As I’ve mentioned in the past I enjoy the odd ironic or strange collisions of events that often take place in the world. I like to look on them as a kind of reward for putting up with the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. When I spot one it’s a bit like finding the one caramel soft centre in a box of coffee Revels.
Today while on a sojourn to the Govan Asda I was rewarded by the amusing scene of a pair of tweenagers dancing and singing along, word for word, with Lily Allen’s latest single “Not Fair”.
For the benefit of the three people that McDowall has locked in his basement with only the internet for company and who have never heard it here’s the video off youtube.
Now I get that the song is popular, and it’s getting near constant airplay on the radio and TV at the minute, but has anyone actually stopped to think how absurd it is for a pair of primary school weans to be singing lines like:
Oh I lie here in the wet patch,
In the middle of the bed,
I’m feeling pretty damn hard done by,
I spent ages giving head.
Now I understand fully that all the adults in the audience will believe that kids won’t understand the underlying meaning of the words. Well my answer to that is: What underlying meaning? The song is a less than subtle critique of a boyfriend that’s generally great but useless in the sack. It’s not hidden in obscure metaphor, or couched in flowery lyrics. It’s out there bold as brass, and twice as mockey, with no ambiguity what so ever.
When all is said and done I don’t think the song should be censored in any way. It makes a refreshing change for someone to bring out something that isn’t a sighing love-song-by-numbers. Still I can’t help but be amused by what comes out of the mouths of bairns nowadays.
I don’t know if anyone’s been paying attention to The Sun newspaper lately, but they’re running a big thing about the search for Miss Scotland 2009 and I’m bemused by the variable standard of entrants. I’ve decided to compile a quick list of the ones that have amused me the most since I started checking it out. As a bonus I’ve taken the unusual step of grading them from the one with the least fake tan to the one with the most:
The Undead Maid of the North will swallow your soul!
With my secret weapons I cannot fail to win!
Real Dolls - Now available in Scotland
This IS my best side!
Also available in white
Ronseal wood stain does exactly what it says on the tin
The 600 series had rubber skin. We spotted them easy, but these are new. They look human - sweat, bad breath, everything.
Scottish national flashing champion
Lose the dress son, there's no room for your kind in this man's army
Why so serious?
Awright Troops me an tinkerbell here are gaun up the dancin
Courtney Love has come down in the world (if that's possible)
LOL the only way I'd enter that stupid contest is if you drugged me first...
Did you feel rain?
Daddy said I could stay up and wait for him. I haven't slept since 1998
WHIIIIIITT?
I know I quite often complain about the youth of today and how things were different when I was a kid, which admittedly wasn’t that long ago in the grand scheme of things, but today I found a news story that really takes the biscuit.
The reader’s digest version is that last year a 12 year old girl from Quebec sued her own father for grounding her and won. Not only that, but her father has just yesterday lost an appeal against that decision in Quebec’s Superior Court.
Seemingly her father had banned her from the internet after he found her posting what are described as “inappropriate images of herself” online. I only hope this means standard weird angle tween-age facebook pictures of her pouting and not something more sinister. Her dad having warned her once, in what I would say were her own best interests, then refused to sign her permission slip for a school graduation trip to Quebec City. The kid instead of stomping up to her room and telling her dad how much she hated him naturally went straight to the lawyers that handled her parent’s divorce and set them on her dad.
Now all I can say here is WHAT THE HELL?
She’s damn lucky that this is touchy-feely let’s hold hands and talk about our problems without upsetting the minorities 2009 and not some earlier more sane decade. If this had been 1989 when I was about her age she’d have got her backside tanned and the computer would have been off to the scout jumble sale without a hint of mercy.
The appeal court says that the punishment far exceeded the actual offence, but I think they’re acting outside their jurisdiction. This wasn’t a cop assaulting a bystander or a child kidnapping. It was a father trying to discipline his daughter in a way that would actually get through her thick generation 2K head.
Now sure children should be protected from physical or emotional abuse, and parental neglect but this is going too far in the other direction. The man was acting in his daughter’s own best interests, and he may have been harsh to stop her going the trip, but personally I think he should have tanned her backside for her cheek.
The judge and all the lawyers present should have given her a skelp too for wasting public official’s time and money on such a frivolous waste of time.