This turned up in my Amazon recommendations list today, and I nearly choked to death on my lunch when burst out laughing at it.
Every so often I like to take a run up to Bellahouston Park via National Cycle Route 7 which is carefully hidden at the back of the M8 and Bellahouston Academy. It’s a hundred times safer than trying to brave the Paisley Road West at peak time. To use a somewhat convoluted metaphor, it’s like the difference between taking a quiet paddle in a canoe down the lazy River Seine and taking a run down the a piranha infested white water rapid run in a river unknown to science somewhere in the Belize rainforest.
While making the journey past Bellahouston Academy I’ve often had a chuckle to myself at the mural that adorns the outside of the building. I assume it’s supposed to show how culturally diverse the place is, but what it really shows is either how bad the artist was, or how much his models have in common with Joseph Merrick. According to an article I found in the The Extra from 2008 the mural is the work of some of the school’s pupils. I suppose in it’s own way it brightens up a rather dreary late 1970′s concrete building, but to be brutally honest the artwork isn’t good at all. Seemingly it was a dry run for a further mural on the nearby footbridge over the M8. I had a look, but I don’t see any artwork on the bridge so I assume they never quite got round to it. In the meantime I think some of them might want to rethink taking Standard Grade art.
Behold the evidence:
The black woman seems OK, at least as far as the rest of the examples go, but the guy with the blonde hair is hilariously badly done. Not only does he have some kind of horrible kink in his neck like it was broken and reset by a blind one handed witchdoctor, but he seems positively amused by the anal probe he’s getting off that badly painted Gerry Anderson-esque UFO in the background. I assume it’s supposed to be one of the big spotlights that float above the M8, but I can’t be entirely sure. Incidentally when I went past this morning the black woman in this picture had some interesting graffiti added to her forehead proclaiming that she was “Robyn’s Real Maw”. Not sure if this is true or not, but I’m sad that I forgot to take the camera with me to capture it.
The Bellahouston painted on the side the fire exit is actually quite colourful, but it reminds me far too much of the helter-skelter from Jamie and the Magic Torch. I’m still not sure if the diver next to the Glasgow 2014 badge is supposed to be baldy and featureless or if they just forgot to paint her face on. I’m assuming it’s a her, cause it’s too thin to have such well developed moobs.
The black guy would probably have been OK, but they’ve managed to incorporate some kind of vent into his head which makes it look like he has some huge cancerous growth beside his ear. NASTY. I assume the pair of random naked legs, and the chakram, are supposed to be related to the cryptic abbreviation of GSOS (Glasgow School of Sport) that’s being batted about by the tennis racquet in the upper left corner.
As an aside I’m somewhat bemused that the pupils of Bellahouston Academy, which is south of the river, have chosen to paint the Squinty Bridge as it would be seen from the northern bank. The fact that they also managed to make it look like a giant pokemon looming over the road is neither here nor there.
Last, but by no means least, we have this gem. I may have a racist eye, but I assume the guy with the rubber giraffe neck and sunglasses is supposed to be Asian. Either that or he’s one of the bad guys out of the dark crystal wearing a Peter Choa mask. The blonde woman seems to be suffering from a similar neck breaking ailment as the other characters, but given that she looks like her face is melting off I think that’s the least of her worries. Strangely she seems to have weird snake like eyes as well.
The Asian woman behind these two freak shows seems to be the most human looking one out of the lot, but even she seems to have been leaned at a jaunty angle for reasons unknown. She also seems to be fairly happy at having been pushed into the background in spite of there being plenty of room to bring her forward to the same level as the others. No idea what the big grey thing is supposed to be. High flats maybe, or some kind of sentient killer vending machine that’s plotting to kill them and make them into Ginsters snacks.
It’s probably a good job these things are hidden from the view of the general populace, and I often wonder if they’re deliberately painted on the side of the building that can’t be seen from the upmarket villas of Dumbreck and Bellahouston. After all who wants to get up in the morning, open their curtains, and be confronted by a group of badly painted potato heads.
According to the BBC Bletchley Park has decided to publish the entire paper archives of top secret wartime document decoded at the famous World War II era code breaking station. Hewlett-Packard have donated scanners to the museum to allow volunteers to scan the thousands of paper sheets stored in their archives and place them on the web.
I was quite surprised to learn that Bletchly Park was now a museum as I had assumed it returned to civilian ownership after the war. I’ll have to add it to my list of places I’d like to visit one day.
I’ve been reading just now that Israeli Naval forces are shadowing another aid ship, the MV Rachel Corrie, bound for Gaza. It seems that the Israeli regime has learned its lesson after the debacle last week and have used more traditional means to secure control of the ship.
I’ve begun to wonder if maybe the Free Gaza movement that has been organising these blockade runs should change tack a bit. So far they’ve sent unarmed civilian cargo ships which have been seized and diverted by the Israelis without any great problems. Bulk carriers and small passenger ships are hardly built to be particularly fast or manoeuvrable so it’s no surprised that they’re quickly overtaken by the Israeli Navy.
Here’s what I’ve been thinking though. The old Soviet states have a lot of old submarines lying around that are slowly rusting away, and Russia doesn’t really seem to have much at stake in the Middle East other than keeping Turkey on side for access from the Black Sea to the Mediterranean through the Bosporus. So, I wonder, would there be some mileage in buying or leasing some old disarmed Russian submarines to sneak some aid into Gaza under the blockade. I know it’s hardly a practical idea, the Israeli navy is well equipped with home-grown and American supplied equipment, and there’s no reason to assume that their anti-submarine capabilities are any less effective than any of their other equipment. The Mediterranean is also fairly clear and shallow off the Gaza coast making it a difficult place to hide even a small submarine, but it would be an interesting experiment for them to try.
At the very least it would force the Israeli and Egyptian forces manning the blockade into a moral quandary. Should the attempt to stop the submerged submarine sneaking underneath them, and risk creating a public relations nightmare, and quite possibly a diplomatic incident, or let it pass and fail to sustain their blockade effectively.
The news is full of reports this morning that Israeli forces have seized a flotilla of aid ships that were heading towards Gaza in defiance of the naval blockade that Israel has been maintaining for the last three years. Seemingly it’s the eighth or ninth attempt by pro-Gaza aid groups to pierce the blockade. Unusually this time the Israeli response was to land commandos on the ships via helicopters, and that’s when things go out of hand. Nine aid workers from aboard the largest ship were shot dead after by the Israelis after the commandos were allegedly attacked with knives, clubs and even their own guns which had been seized from them. Both sides are already blaming each other for this violent turn of events, but no clear picture has emerged of the situation as yet.
Naturally the internet is already on fire over the raid. People are either taking the aid worker’s side against the evil “Zionist Beasts” of Israel, or applauding Israel for taking a proactive stance to her national security. The first camp seem to have conveniently forgotten that the blockade is a joint Israeli-Egyptian effort in protest at the way Hamas seized control of Palestine during the battle of Gaza. They also seem to have conveniently glossed over the fact that the organisers of the aid convoy were clearly attempting to provoke Israel. They seem to have been under the mistaken belief that if the convoy is made up of packed passenger ships full of witnesses rather than bulk carriers the Israelis would think twice about boarding the ship.
The pro-Israel camp are just as deluded as their opponents however. It doesn’t really matter how you slice it the Israelis should have kept better control of their troops during the boarding actions. I’m sure it was a highly stressful situation for all involved, but why couldn’t they have fired some warning shots, or carried shotguns loaded with beanbag rounds. The could have surely mounted some machine-guns on their helicopters to cover the landing troops without risking an incident.
The few things that all sides agree on seem to be that Israel acted illegally in seizing the ships while they were in international waters. I suppose it is fair to say that Israel’s actions contravene international laws that have held sway for centuries and could, quite rightly, be described as simple piracy, but I don’t really think they care.
It’s odd perhaps, but one of the things I’ve often admired about Israel is their sheer indifference to international opinion when it comes to matters of their own national security. They know that many of the actions that they take are considered illegal under international law, but they don’t give a shit what anyone thinks. Israel has always been a nation under siege. She has fought wars against, and often spectacularly defeated, almost all of her hostile Arab neighbours at during the course of her existence. Now it’s fair to say that the West, and the United States in particular, have given Israel a lot of leeway and support over the years, but her continuing survival has been a product of aggressive politics, military action and a complete disregard for anything that is not in Israel’s best interests. Sometimes I wish other nations, including the UK, were as proactive in the promotions of their interests and their self defence as Israel, but more often I’m glad they’re not. Israel has nuclear weapons, even though they refuse to admit it, but thankfully they have the intelligence to keep them under wraps. I would hate to think what would happen if a rogue state like North Korea were in Israel’s place.
Israel’s actions are already being condemned, and most strongly by the previously friendly Turkey under who’s flag most of the ships were sailing. Of course there’s still no response from Downing Street or the White House, and to be honest I’ll be surprised if we see more than a carefully worded missive in condolences to the people killed. It will be interesting to see if anything comes out of this, or if in a weeks time I’m sitting here talking about another shooting on another misguided attempt to breach the blockade.
I love wiki sites; especially ones about games and TV shows. The level of detail that some of them go into about the most trivial minutiae of their subjects is truly astonishing and would rival a real encyclopaedia for scope. Some of my current favourites are:
- Tardis Index File
The Doctor Who Wiki. What this site doesn’t know about Doctor Who is plainly not worth knowing. If you don’t know your Dalek from your Sonic Screwdriver this will sort you out. The articles are well written, well researched and many hold behind the scenes information that adds insight into design and story choices that were made while the show was being created. - Memory Alpha
This one is the daddy of all Sci-Fi show wikis. A vast library of infomratipn on every possible aspect of the Star Trek universe from Andora to some alien Kirk punched out once that has a name beginning with Z. Much like the Dr Who wiki above there’s a wealth of informaiton about the show’s production that’s almost as interesting as the articles themselves. - Wookiepedia
The Star Wars Wiki. This one is a monstrously large and detailed site. It had to be though as Star Wars has to be one of the largest franchises in history. - He-Man Wiki
Everybody loves He-Man! By the power of Grayskull etc. This Wiki gives the lowdown on what the power of Grayskull really is, and a lot more besides. - Unofficial Elder Scrolls Pages
An exhaustive Wiki that covers everything to do with the Elder Scrolls games from The Elder Scrolls: Arena published in 1994 to the recent award winning The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. Indispensible if you want to know everything there is to know about Bethesda’s incredibly detailed world.
I love the Encyclopaedia Dramatica (absolutely NSFW). For those of you that have never strayed onto it’s pages it’s a parody site done using the same software and a similar community editing model as Wikipedia, but the similarities end abruptly at that point. Encyclopaedia Dramatica exists primarily to make fun of the internet, internet culture and culture in general. It’s riddled with childish humour, homophobia, racism, sexism and a dozen other things ending in -ism that have yet to be described by science. The authors take no prisoners with their subjects, particularly internet “celebrities” like Perez Hilton, who take a serious tanking throughout their articles.
I know it’s politically incorrect at best, and downright evil at worst, but I can’t help but laugh at much of the stuff on it. I’ve read a lot of the articles on it now, surfing from page to page like you would in any Wiki, and I’m both surprised and scared about how much some of it sounds like the little voice in my head that I have to keep under lock and key.
Check it out, but bring an open mind and a twisted sense of humour, and if you don’t like what you see there’s always whatport80.com which is a far more work safe parody site.
Through the course of today I’ve begun to wish that sunburn was instantly fatal. You may think that’s a somewhat odd statement, or perhaps an odd wish to have, but I do have a reason that extends beyond my usual brand of misanthropic super-villainy.
A bit of background is in order first I think.
You may have noticed that Scotland is suddenly in the throes of a miniature heatwave which appeared out of nowhere last week and proceeded to slow bake the whole country over the course of the last few days. It was particularly warm over the weekend with temperatures that rarely occur at this time in May. Many rejoiced and decided to spend the day lying around like dying slugs in the middle of the park, but many more took cover inside and cursed the shiny burning thing in the sky.
I of course was in the second camp as I really, really do not do well in the heat. I can’t sleep, I lose my appetite and I sweat like I’m lost in the Sahara at the slightest exertion. I wasn’t designed to deal with anything much above 22°C and anything about 26°C reduces me to lying on the laminate flooring mumbling incoherently. I am a Scotsman, with a good deal of Scandinavian and Irish ancestry thrown in, and I’m smart enough to admit that i don’t have the genetic predisposition needed to tolerate more than two hours of sunshine a day. Sadly much of the rest of Glasgow’s population don’t seem to be either willing, or able, to make a similarly logical acknowledgement of the limitations of their pasty, scrawny bodies and seem determined to get a “Pure Great Tan” at any cost.
What I have noticed, although it probably ranks up there with Phrenology as a scientific theory, is that the amount of sunburn seems to be inversely proportional to the intelligence of the subject. I’ve yet to see any of the smarter employees at The Work with sunburn, but all the halfwits that should be stacking shelves in Asda are all red as lobsters. What amuses me even more about these idiot lobster people is that instead of learning to cover up their pasty white flesh from further damage they, to a man, are wearing clothes that expose even more of their flesh to the sun’s unblinking gaze. Indeed they all seem fairly proud of their excessive sunburn and the odd tan-lines that it has etched across their skin.
I’ll admit that I’ve never been able to see the attraction in sunbathing. I can’t for the life of me understand why people pay to travel to exotic holiday destinations, and then spend their entire time lying around a pool with a bunch of like minded fools. However if sunburn was fatal then it’s likely I would never have to listen to another story about how some halfwit went to Greece/Turkey/Egypt/Delete As Appropriate* and sat around for two weeks soaking up the sunshine instead of investigating the local history and culture.
Might cut down on the number of oxygen thieving goons in the world at the same time.
I know it’s probably an odd thing to be annoyed by, but I’ve recently taken umbrage at the number of emails I get where people have clearly went onto part of the lolcats website, clicked save as on a few images, and then emailed them out to all their friends with some pithy comment added to each one.
Sure the pictures are invariably funny, and I do appreciate the fine works done by the contributors to icanhascheezburger.com, failblog and all their friends, but I don’t need some sad-sack emailing me reruns of pictures I saw weeks, months or even years ago. You didn’t make this, you have no claim on this, I can even see the site’s URL at the bottom. I have the constant urge to reply to their emails with, “YOU’VE BROKEN THE INTERNET!”, but I know all that will happen is I’ll get a confused phone call from IT asking me if my internet is broken.
Invariably by the time it gets to me it’s been forwarded so much the subject line looks like someone trying to write down the lyrics to one of Scatman John’s early hits. “FW: RE: FW: FW: ad infinitum”. The references in the pithy comments are lost to me because they are about people, places and things that I know nothing about. Worse still the people who resend and forward the mail rarely take the time to remove their automatic signatures from the thing leaving a huge ugly mess of warnings about the legality of the email, virus scanning and whither or not the sender’s company endorses the contents that continues to grow in size until it exceeds War and Peace in word count.
That’s bad enough of course, but then there’s the indentation and “>” arrows applied to all those earlier emails by the sender’s mail client.
> so you get
>> pages and pages
>>> and page and pages
>>>> and even more pages and pages
>>>>> of text increasingly squashed to the side
>>>>>> of the screen where it
>>>>>>> rapidly becomes annoyingly unreadable
On top of this they usually save the images in the largest possible format so that as soon as the damn thing arrives I start getting automatic pop ups from the server complaining about the size of my inbox.
The worse, absolute god damn, thing about the whole funny email things is how much it resembles the common cold. I’ve actually watched as funny emails spread like a virus around the huge open plan office I work in. It usually arrives up the back, with the two middle aged ladies that guard the printer supplies like ogres, and from then it spreads to their selected few. It’s really quite elegant how it distributes itself from a single point outwards like a supernatural shock-wave of cute kitties and folk falling over. Fine, you might think, eventually everyone gets the email and you have a laugh and it goes in the bin. Yeah, that’s what you might think, but really what happens is somebody is out the day it’s sent, or they’re on holiday, or in meetings, and they don’t get to see the email till later. Then they forward it, and off it goes again like an aftershock flying around the place. Even if everyone’s in, and this doesn’t happen right away, it’s almost guaranteed that in a month or so someone will either receive the email again from outside, or they’ll find it in their email archive and forward it to their pals. Either way the vicious, endless cycle will begin anew sooner or later.
Please, by all means, continue to send me funny stuff, interesting stuff and even the odd lolcat, but please, for the sake ofthe children, stop trying to do the lolcat site’s job for them.
I know that sunshine is a rare thing in the West of Scotland, but is it really so rare that it causes half of the population to develop a Deadly Brain Cloud? Take yesterday for example: It was sunny, warm and generally fairly present. There was a strong breeze from the south-west that kept the air moving, enough to stop the air becoming stifling, but not strong enough to ruin the good weather.
A fairly perfect spring day in other words.
I was enjoying my ride home on the bike, same as most days, when I became concious that a lot of strange things seemed to be happening.Glasgow suddenly seemed to become infested with stunt drivers, addle-brained pedestrians and crazed dogs.
It started up on Bilsland Drive in Ruchill. I tend to head along it towards the west end so that I can avoid the bus laden nightmare of the city centre. Bilsland Drive is a big wide street with only a few houses on the one side and the tumbledown remains of the old Ruchill Hospital on the other. There’s more than enough room for two lanes of traffic on either side provided there’s no parked cars. It’s one of those streets in Glasgow that makes it great to cycle along because you know that with all that room nobody is going to try to squeeze past the end of your handlebar at 30mph.
Or so I thought.
I had just passed the gates of the old hospital. Pedalling along, minding my own business, when out of the blue a Toyota Yaris passed me within inches, in spite of there being plenty of room. Then, to my open mouthed amazement, the damn thing pulled in to the kerb right in front of me.
BRAKES = ON.
I scowled at the occupant, but gave her the benefit of the doubt: Maybe she hadn’t judged the distance properly and it was an honest mistake. I made to go round her car, and my front wheel was just about level with the back of the car when she threw the driver’s door open and leapt out.
“Fucking hell,” I said and swerved to avoid suffering head on collision with the Hambeast.
She looked at me, clearly registered I was there, and then turned to commence digging stuff out of her car. Why do people who do this exact thing never seem to get hit by passing trucks?
She was bad enough, but I also got chased along part of Queen Margaret Drive by a demented dog who’s owner just watched as it ran down the road behind me and in front of a taxi. I nearly ran over a woman who, despite clearly seeing me approaching along the road, decided to step out in front of me at the last possible moment causing me to swerve violently to avoid her.
After that I was more cautious. I indicated with hand signals in plenty of time, and kept a wary eye on pedestrians and wildlife. That still didn’t help me avoid a group of students wandering down the middle of the road on a blind bend, or the old man in the car who did a U-Turn right in front of me, or the bus that crawled along behind me even though there was enough space to pass.
Now I’ve given due consideration to the possibility that I had wandered into the twilight zone, or that I just suffered a run of bad luck, but thinking back I’m almost certain that this kind of madness always occurs when it’s warm. I guarantee that it’ll be better today if the weather stays colder.
Meanwhile if the residents of Glasgow could try to keep themselves hydrated, wear sunscreen and keep a wee bit of common sense and situational awareness it would be greatly appreciated.
If only so I don’t have to pick bits off you off my tires.